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April 2005 Archives
April 30, 2005
VISIT OUR STORE!!!
THE FACTS: SEX WITH DAVID FELDMAN HURTS REPUBLICANS
GOVERNMENT RELEASES QUARTERLY
REPORT ON FELDMAN SEX LIFE
EVERYBODY DANCE!
HIT THE PLAY BUTTON BELOW
April 29, 2005
WE ARE SPONSORED BY...
April 28, 2005
KARL ROVE NAMED
WHITE HOUSE
PORN CZAR
April 27, 2005
TODAY'S DAILY MEDITATION
SENIORS PROTEST REPUBLICAN
SOCIAL SECURITY PLAN
animated gif via www.artie.com
April 26, 2005
SAUDI PRINCE PROMISES TO OPEN
HIS SPIGOT AND START PUMPING
FROM DEEP WITHIN SAUDI ARABIA'S
BOWELS DIRECTLY INTO YOURS...
EXCLUSIVE: SIMON COWELL DATING
BULIMIC ANN COULTER
Cowell caught here helping Bulimic Ann Coulter return a Tic Tac she accidentally swallowed.
April 25, 2005
THIS IS HOW MY WIFE SAW MY
MOTHER AT LAST NIGHT'S SEDER:
(a.p. via yahoo)
TIME: Late last night.
PLACE: My home after the Seder.
MY WIFE: Can I give you a care package to take home?
MY MOTHER: I don't think so.
MY WIFE: Anything?
MY MOTHER: I...don't think so.
MY WIFE: But you hardly ate.
MY MOTHER: The important thing is you tried darling. Maybe next year you'll get it right.
DAVID: Ma, I'll walk you to the car.
MY MOTHER: Oh, is that David? I didn't see you all night, I didn't know you were here.
DAVID: We had guests. I was entertaining.
MY MOTHER: I'm not a guest?
DAVID: You're family.
MY MOTHER: Next time treat me like a guest.
MY WIFE: Nice seeing you again, Ma.
MY MOTHER: Uh....huh.
And no Feldman Seder is ever complete without the male relative who married out of the religion but still insists on bringing his wife and kids anyway:
April 24, 2005
JOHN BOLTON'S CAT
(AP via Yahoo)
April 23, 2005
WENDY'S MISSING FINGER LADY NOW
PLANS TO SUE LAS VEGAS OLIVE GARDEN
FOUND AN EYE IN HER SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS
NEW POPE WAS MEMBER OF HITLER YOUTH
ENGLAND'S PRINCE HARRY CONVERTS
Hitler Youth was the Nazi version of the Boy Scouts. But their camping trips were slightly different.
LAY DOWN WITH DOGS...
April 22, 2005
THE WEEK IN IMPOTENCE:
BRITNEY'S SECOND TRIMESTER...
ENGLAND AND CHARLES STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN USED TO CAMILLA'S TWO DOGS CHI CHI AND CHA CHA...
TOM DELAY VISITS THE N.R.A....
DR. BILL FRIST VISITS HIS DOMINATRIX...
BULIMIC ANN COULTER MAKES THE COVER OF TIME...
MORE ON BULIMIC ANN COULTER...
OH, DID I MENTION ANN COULTER'S BULIMIC?
LAST YEAR'S PASSOVER WITH THE FELDMANS
My Uncle Gary and Aunt Barbara are Orthodox:
WOMAN WHO FOUND FINGER
IN WENDY'S CHILI ARRESTED:
BULIMIC ANN COULTER CLAIMS,
"SHE STOLE MY BULIMIA FINGER!!!"
Anna Lasavio pictured here may have walked off with Bulimic Ann Coutler's bulimia finger.
April 21, 2005
BULIMIC ANN COULTER
OPENS RESTAURANT
"COMING RIGHT UP!"
April 20, 2005
ANN COULTER'S NEW DIET BOOK!!!
They hate the New York Times. Except when they need to sell their books.
April 19, 2005
MY MOTHER SAYS THIS ONE
ISN'T CRUEL ENOUGH. OH WELL.
HABEMUS PAPAM:
WHERE ARE MY TEETH?
Worship Jesus? Hell, I knew him.
April 18, 2005
THE ANN COULTER DIET PLAN
VATICAN BURNS POPE'S ENTIRE
COLLECTION OF MINT CONDITION
"SWANK" MAGAZINES
April 17, 2005
TIME: SAME GENUISES
WHO MERGED WITH AOL
I'm getting a subscription just so I can cancel it.
I Guess I Should Have Seen This Week's Cover Coming Late Last Year:
April 16, 2005
HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER TOM DELAY ADDRESSES HOUSTON N.R.A.
BECAUSE DR. BILL FRIST IS SENATE MAJORITY LEADER MISTRESS EMMA IS ALWAYS WILLING TO MAKE HOUSECALLS
April 15, 2005
HOW THE CONCLAVE PICKS A NEW ONE
BRITNEY BEGINS SECOND TRIMESTER
CHARLES AND ENGLAND STILL NOT USED TO CAMILLA'S TWO CATS: CHI CHI AND CHA CHA
April 14, 2005
BRITNEY'S 12TH TRIMESTER
April 13, 2005
BRITNEY PREGNANT? SAY IT AIN'T SO!
BIT OF A SPEAR TIRE
Featuring Britney's new hit single: "Baby One More Thai Noodle Salad."
KEVIN FEDERLINE AND BABY
TIME: SIX A.M.
KEVIN FEDERLINE IS WAKING UP FOR THE BABY'S TWO A.M. FEEDING
Daddy loves you, Peaches. Peaches. You're named after Daddy's favorite Schnapps.
Of all the children I've had with married women under the age of 30 you are my favorite English speaking white daughter.
Do you have a cough? Or am I wearing too many bottles of Aramis?
Tomorrow you get your first shot. Don't worry. It's like a tattoo needle only cleaner. Then I'm going to take you to Victoria's Secret and see if we can't find mommy a hotter looking nursing bra.
I think about you always. Like during my morning lap dance I thought, "If I knocked up this skank we'd make a baby that looks like Peaches." Which would work out perfectly because after Mommy discovers where my allowance goes she's never letting me near you.
Mommy's angry. Daddy sold pictures of her scratching a personal itch to the tabloids.
It's not Daddy's fault mommy scratches her personal itch. I didn't make her itchy. You and those greasy fries did. If she doesn't want pictures in the tabloids of her personal itch getting scratched she shouldn't give Daddy such expensive cell phones.
I can't wait till you finally speak. And I hope your first words are, "Ma Ma... Da Da needs more cash."
I love you Peaches. You're going to grow up to be stacked. I promise. No matter how many pictures of mommy scratching her personal itch I have to sell to the Globe.
I'm your daddy forever. I swear. Unless Mandy Moore answers my letter.
Night night.
AND BABY MAKES THREE...TONS
Demi Way Moore. Jennifer Loves Pez. And Britney Asparagus Spears
WHY JEWISH MEN USUALLY MAKE BAD CARPENTERS:
Viagra Cleared As Kosher for Passover
JERUSALEM, April 14- A prominent Israeli rabbi has reversed an earlier ban and ruled that Viagra can be kosher for Passover...
--New York Times, April 15, 2005
O.K. Now what about my bread. Does that still have to be unleavened?
DEAD: OLD BLUE EYES AND BLONDE HAIR
"BERLIN (Reuters) - Harald Juhnke, the actor and entertainer hailed by many as the German Frank Sinatra, died after a long battle with dementia and alcoholism."
Nicknamed the Chancellor of The Board Juhnke got his big break on
"The Field Marshall Bowes' Amateur Hour" singing "Crystal In The Nacht." Juhnke won 30,000 Deutschmarks (five cents) and a chance to pick which one of his sisters wouldn't be shot for having winked at a Gypsy.
Juhnke went on to star in such films as "Pal Jewey" and "The Man With The Golden Raised Stiff Arm."
Known for projecting a style of smooth sophistication and sartorial panache, Juhnke set Germany's fashion world ablaze by once walking around Berlin in shoes during the Battle of Stalingrad.
His Ratskeller Pack included Leni Riefenstahl, Joseph Goebbels, and Joey Bishop.
On the popularity of the Ratskeller Pack Juhnke observed, "We represented a time when a man didn't worry about cracking wise to a Fraulein, or a Fagala or making an off color ethnic joke. Back then the Clydes and the Squares took it in the spirit it was intended. Which was to hurt and frighten the non-Aryan."
He was best known for his two hits "That's Why The Jew Is A Tramp" and "Mein Way."
Counted out later in life he made a dazzling comeback with "Deutschland Deutschland" originally recorded by Liza Minnelli.
He is survived by his daughter Nancy who went on to have her own hit with, "These Boots Were Made For Walking Over France."
MEANWHILE KEVIN FEDERLINE'S DAUGHTER FROM LAST YEAR...
F.D.A. APPROVES SILICONE BRAIN IMPLANTS
SILCONE DEEMED EFFECTIVE IN REMOVING UNSIGHTLY GRAY THAT MAKES YOUR BRAIN APPEAR TIRED AND LISTLESS. SILICONE CREATES A SMOOTHER, TIGHTER, YOUNGER LOOKING BRAIN. (ADVT.)
PLAYBOY PUBLISHER/PIMP HUGH HEFNER TURNS 79
NAME: Hugh Hefner
PROSTATE: 36 inches.
EAR HAIR: 23 inches.
NOSE HAIR: 14 inches,
CALCIFIED DEPOSITS LINING HEART: Three millimeters
AMBITION: To one day only get up six times in the middle of the night to urinate.
TURN ONS: Defibrillators, and masturbating to late 19th century daguerreotypes of Sarah Bernhardt
TURN OFFS: Seeing my limp shriveled manhood in the mirror above my waterbed.
FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS: "What?" "Speak up." And "Clean Underwear."
FAVORITE MEN'S MAGAZINE: "Shaved Corpse."
IN A PREVIOUS LIFE I WAS: Alive.
HOBBIES: Standing at the urinal waiting and waiting and waiting. Trying to remember where I put my pipe. Low grade urinary tract infections. Praying for a boner pill that works. Praying for a boner. Paying for a boner. Praying for the boner I'm paying for. Suing Pfizer.
FOR RELAXATION: Airbrushing a boner on to nude pictures of myself.
I'D LIKE TO BE REINCARNATED AS A: Boner.
FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM A TV SHOW: Bones.
FAVORITE COLLEGE FRATERNITY: Skull and Bones.
FAVORITE COMEDIAN: Oliver Hardy.
OK, NOW I NEED MEDICATION
April 12, 2005
BUT IT LOOKS SO ARAFATTENING
GROWING UP FELDMAN: CIRCA 1973
DAD: Honey? Look what I got for your birthday.
MOM: What? WHAT are those?
DAD: Implants. State of the art! All the women on "Kojak" are wearing them.
MOM: Please Sherman. Wash your hands, I made liver.
DAD: Look! So you won't be flat and guys will stare at you and I'll want to be with you again...Like the way I want to be with the daughter on "Maude." Adrianne Barbarossa... Hey where are you going Wynona? Come back!
April 11, 2005
MORBIDLY OBESE ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER ARRIVES IN TEXAS
"He says, 'This is Rice.' I like Rice. So I eat Rice. Why's he so upset?"
CROWNING A NEW LOSER
April 10, 2005
POSTCARDS FROM WINDSOR...
EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS FROM ELIZABETH'S PRIVATE RECEPTION:
Later that night Charles made love to Camilla through the hole in a white sheet. He's not Orthodox. He just needs all the help he can get.
Immediately right after the service Charles and his father notice the rabbi seemed way too happy and now they worry they paid him too much.
LOVE IS TRULY BLIND
The weekend started with Charles flying back from Rome to attend the bachelor party. He sowed his oats while Camilla stayed home and ate them.
THE NERVOUS BRIDE:
SHE FORGETS HER WHITE GLOVES
Unlike the wedding to Diana, there was no horse drawn coach. Instead the horse was inside the carriage nuzzling Charles.
Charles says he wasn't nervous during the ceremony. But Camilla seemed to have a slight case of the trots.
Because she's marrying the future King of England, Camilla submitted to a medical exam before the wedding. Inspectors had to make sure she could no longer conceive.
The Royal physician said, "Camilla, please put your legs up in the stirrups." And she said, "OK. But first I'll need to take them off."
April 9, 2005
MAINTAINING A STIFF UPPER WIND
Saturday's wedding was far different from his last. This time, Charles was the one throwing up.
It was a touching ceremony. What I found most moving was when right before slipping the ring on her finger, Charles whispered, "Camilla, please give me your paw."
CHARLES SAVES THE DAY BY COMBING HIS SKIN OVER
QUEEN VICTORIA'S SECRET #3:
HONEYMOON NIGHT: QUEEN VICTORIA'S SECRET
Ready for a roll in the hay? Because this horse is hot to trot.
Right now Lady Di must be tossing cookies in her grave.
QUEEN VICTORIA'S SECOND SECRET:
ALWAYS MAKE SURE YOUR HUSBAND LOOKS BETTER IN A DRESS THAN YOU DO
BUCKINGHAM PALACE CHARM OFFENSIVE BEGINS:
ROYAL CONSORT'S BABY PICTURES
"No Lady Shand. It's a girl...illa."
AND NOW THEY NEST
Birds of a feather flock together even though they're married to someone else.
Then Charles and Camilla disappeared to consummate the marriage. It was the first time Charles had ever ridden Camilla without holding a polo mallet.
Word is Camilla felt awkward having sex with Prince Charles. Normally she's the one getting busy all night burying a bone.
Right now the honeymoon is on. So Prince Charles can't decide if he should attend the funeral next week in Monaco. Camilla doesn't want him to go. She gets jealous whenever he looks at other corpses.
April 8, 2005
WINDSOR CASTLE: THE MAMA AND THE PAPARAZZI
"No. We're fine out here. Just have a good time...Wear a coat!"
24 HOURS TO GO: CAMILLA FLASHES ROCK
EXCLUSIVE: CAMILLA'S LAST NIGHT OF FREEDOM
"Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become queen if her husband ascends to the throne whether she wants the title or not, the British government said."
THE WEEK, April 1, 2005
Titles besides "Queen" currently under consideration for Camilla:
Her Travesty
Duchess of Schnauzer
The Queen Grandmother
Ambassador of Crease
Her Repugnance
Duchess of Dork
Lady Chow Chow
Her Roughness On The Eyes
DJ Gnarly
K 9
The Round Mound of Rebound
Camilla "Lights Out" Bowles
King Slut
davidfeldman.org
April 7, 2005
KILLING TIME BEFORE THE BIG FUNERAL PRESIDENT BUSH SHOWS WORLD LEADERS HIS INTROSPECTIVE SIDE
"It belonged to Pope Urban. I got it at the Vatican gift shop. Now let's see who can't fix Social Security."
"EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND'S" PATRICIA HEATON LEAST GENEROUS SITCOM MOM
SOURCE: Feminists For War
April 6, 2005
CALIFORNIA TEACHERS PROTEST ARNOLD'S BUDGET CUTS
davidfeldman.org
Visiting Ukrainian President Viktor Yushchenko Named Honorary Mayor Of Pittsburgh
FAT O.J. VOWS HE WON'T REST UNTIL HE FINDS REAL KILLER CHICKEN WINGS
IF THE PANTS DON'T FIT YOU MUST NOT SIT
MORE LIKE O.BEESE
SOMEONE HASN'T BEEN ATTENDING HIS WEIGHT STALKER MEETINGS
MOURNERS AT THE COCHRAN FUNERAL GET OUT OF THE WAY AS FAT O.J. HEADS BACK FOR A SECOND HELPING OF COMMUNION WAFER
ATTENTION INVESTORS: HOW TO READ GREENSPAN'S "TELL" JUST LIKE THE PROS!!!
Did you know Fed Chair Alan Greenspan always gets a bloody nose if he's planning on raising interest rates? Before you make another trade subscribe to "David Feldman's Market Timer." Learn David's other secrets and start making money today!!!
April 5, 2005
IS IT JUST MOI?
OR DID KIRSTIE ALLEY LOOK PATHETIC LAST NIGHT ON "FAT ACTRESS?"
THIS IS REAL I SWEAR
My buddy John found this, click below:
View image
TONIGHT ON FOX: "WHEN BIRDBRAINS ATTACK!"
April 4, 2005
DAVID FELDMAN'S PARTY TIP #456
Don't make the same mistake I did. Always prescreen the video of your colonoscopy before showing it to company.
ROYAL FAMILY EXCLUSIVE
PRINCE CHARLES ON THE DAY HE PICKED CAMILLA TO BE HIS BRIDE
SCENES FROM A LIFE: Part 16
INT. DAVID'S KITCHEN (MORNING)
DAVID is downing his juice and rushing off to work as LINDA enters. LINDA has been the cleaning lady since his kids were babies. LINDA might as well be family since she pretty much ignores DAVID too.
LINDA: Oh, Mr. David. Muy triste hoy.
DAVID: Triste. You're sad?
LINDA: Si. So sad.
DAVID: Oh! The Pope. Of Course. Sad.
LINDA: Triste.
DAVID: Yes. Triste. Me too.
LINDA: No happy today.
DAVID: Me no happy today too... Me happy once. August 12th 1984. I think it was a Tuesday.
LINDA: Que?
DAVID: Nada. The man was a doll. Great man. Brave and kind.
LINDA: Si. Mi papa.
DAVID: He was your father???
LINDA: Mi papa.
DAVID: Oh, si. Yes, of course. Su papa. Mi papa tambien.
LINDA: Nuestro papa.
DAVID: Listen you missed underneath the couch on Friday.
LINDA: Que?
DAVID (Thinking to himself): You understood me. (To LINDA) OK, rough week. Do what you can. By!
LINDA: By Mr. David. (To herself) Drai mir nit kain kop!
April 3, 2005
MICHAEL'S FANS SHOW SUPPORT
davidfeldman.org
CHARLIE SHEEN SPRINGS INTO ACTION AS WIFE GOES INTO LABOR
"OK, there's the admitting nurse. The attending nurse. Oh yeah that chick who agreed to be Denise's Lamaze partner, she's hot."
Before any big performance, there's only one man I trust to cut my hairplugs. Lonny Sussman of
Beverly Hills.
April 2, 2005
IT'S THE START OF SRING AND HERSCH IS BIZ E
CLICK ON HERSCH'S WINGS AND HELP HIM GET TO WORK
MY MOTHER SAYS I SHOULD TAKE THIS ONE DOWN, BUT THE LONGER I STARE THE MORE SENSE IT MAKES:
I swear the photo of Bush is not doctored.
TO VISIT THE TOWN ME POP WAS FROM:
PASTA LA PIZZA, BABY
Fans of the television show "Green Acres" might remember Arnold The Pig.
April 1, 2005
PAT BUCHANAN SHOOTS CAMEO FOR NEW RON JEREMY VIDEO
(Photo untouched, no matter how touching it seems)
Actually it's French dressing. Looks like someone needs his salad tossed.
Alan C. from U.S.C. writes:
Dear David: By the way, did you know that John Philip Sousa
was kept alive by a feeding tuba?
Dear Alan,
I didn't know that. But I once met a moth being kept alive by a pair of feeding tube socks.