I trimmed this, it moves quicker. I think.

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Republicans should love Sonia Sotomayor. She kicked open doors, broke down barriers and shattered glass ceilings. All without a warrant...
The unemployment rate is at double digits. But don’t worry. Sarah Palin’s already creating jobs. Like governor of Alaska. More good news for us because Palin says once she’s elected president everyone who loses their job gets a million dollar book deal. By the way, I just got a tweet from Sarah via Quitter. Sarah tweets anger. She spent the entire day on the phone with her HMO threatening to sue that witch doctor of hers for malpractice.

So have you been watching the hearings? I like Sotomayor. But come on, she’s no Harriet Miers. Newt Gingrich is trying to undermine Sonia’s presumed base by twittering in Spanish. So Sonia’s undermining Newt’s base by twittering in drool. I don’t think Lindsey Graham has been around too many wise Latina women. In his opening statement he told her to “make sure and clean under the fridge.” But Lindsey’s worried that being a woman and a Latina Sonia won’t “apply the law objectively.” You know like Alberto Gonzales’ justice department was so famous for. Then Graham implied Sonia is an “intellectual bully.” Which also happens to be the same exact thing he said of Teri Schiavo . Graham says he wouldn’t want to appear before a judge who was a bully, like when he’s asking that judge to sign off on torturing prisoners of war.

Rush Limbaugh calls her a racist. Rush outing a racist is like me outing a Jew. Or Ann Coulter outing a she/he. Jeff Sessions, the ranking Republican from Alabama is really frustrated by the hearings. He felt it would be more appropriate to hold them at The Montgomery County Swim Club in Philadelphia.

Goldman Sachs says it earned record money last quarter. Wow. In three short months they’ve gone from toxic debt to toxic profits. It’s like Adam Smith always said, “Capitalism thrives when the market gets out of the way and lets Washington’s invisible hand work its magic.” By the way, Washington’s hand must be invisible because ever since Bush took office that hand’s been in my wallet and nobody ever said “Boo.” And even though their executives dumped $700 million of their Goldman Sachs stock at the very same time they were lobbying congress for a handout they announced yesterday that they would be paying themselves $12 billion in bonuses. Next time instead of giving these guys a bailout I say we invest in a really sharp guillotine.

Republican Sen. John Ensign's mistress charged $96 grand to keep quiet. Anybody know the going rate these days to get a wife to shut up? Ensign’s really a veterinarian. But the only hound this guy should be neutering is himself. Yeah, he’s real veterinarian. Which explains why it’s $96 grand. Once the bill starts approaching a hundred grand he recommends putting the mistress to sleep. I swear this is true: Before becoming a senator Ensign spent most of his time and energy at a 24-hour clinic for sick animals in Las Vegas. I believe it was called the Crazy Horse. But he quit to go to Washington. Dr. Doolittle becomes Dr. Do Nothing. I hear in the sack they just call him “Dr. Little.” If you’re still reading please subscribe to my podcasts on I-Tunes. Thanks.

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Don't ask my why, but this cartoon is being syndicated by I2TV to about 100 cable outlets. Go figure.

President Obama visited Ghana, or as Sarah Palin calls it, "The nation of Africa."

Sarah says she's against Obama's single payer option because she doesn't want the government dictating who our witch doctors can be.

(Here's the clip.)

Sarah's opposed to frivolous lawsuits but considering her political prospects she might want to sue that witch doctor for malpractice.

Republican Senator John Ensign paid his mistress $96,000 to keep quiet. Anybody know the going rate these days to get a wife to shut up? Turns out Enisgn’s also a veterinarian. Sounds like somebody needs to be spayed and neutered. That’s why it’s only $96,000. Once the bill nears $100,000 he recommends putting the mistress to sleep.

Britney Spears played France and visited Paris to say how sad she was about its father.

Tuesday was Michael Jackson’s big Memorial. My doctor honored his memory by giving me a prostate exam wearing a single white-jeweled glove.

It was a beautiful service, and I know a thing or two about funerals at the Staples center ever since becoming a Clippers fan.

Although ten dollars for a glass of Jesus Juice was a complete rip off.

I also felt the fans screaming, “We want Michael” during Ed McMahon’s opening memorial should be have been removed.

Some good news, today doctors released Michael’s medical records, and they went platinum.

And now it looks like Michael’s children are going to be raised by his parents. Even the Octomom is saying, “You’re kidding me, right?” Joe Jackson says he already seeing signs that the kids might follow in Michael's talented footsteps. Like not calling the police whenever he breaks out the strap.

Nobody will say who Blanket's mom is. I’m guessing Katie Holmes.

That's your week in Impotence.

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Sarah Palin resigned as Governor of Alaska. Glad somebody in that family knows how to pull out. You know Sarah, there's an old saying in politics, "If you can't stand the heat, get back in the kitchen AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!"

Palin should gain custody of Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket since she’s the only asswipe in the world who could have possibly named them. In a new Vanity Fair article Sarah Palin reportedly announced the birth of Trig via e-mails signed by “God.” Palin is convinced “God” speaks through her. I don’t know about your “God” Sarah, but my “God” knows Africa is a continent.

Karl Malden died. Maybe he can lend Michael Jackson some of his nose.

On Friday Feds kicked Ruth Madoff out of her Manhattan penthouse. On Saturday she was on Madison holding a sign that read, "Will Ignore Financial Irregularities For Zabar's." Meanwhile in prison hubbie Bernie Madoff officially went from a Power Broker to a Power Bottom.
A judge sentenced him to 150 years in prison. 150 years? I'm confused because Bernie’s white and crack wasn't involved. But Bernie’s no fool. He’s bundling those 150 years, slicing them up into derivatives and having 40,000 unsuspecting retirees serve the sentences for him.

Alas let’s focus on the positive. Like all the kids Michael Jackson didn't molest. Now it turns out right before he died Michael had a 7-year-old will. And a 10-year-old Todd. Some good news. In two more days Michael Jackson's lifetime dream will finally come true. He will look exactly like Diana Ross.

Michael will be sorely missed by millions. And those are just the people who own pharmaceutical stocks. I seem to have lost my Official Hollywood Handbook. Anyone recall how many Grammies you need to make it OK to share your bed with young boys? Ah, Hollywood values. Let’s hope after Phil Spector croaks we can all focus on his music instead of that unfortunate lapse of judgment when he offed a chick.

And talk about creepy, turns out Michael rented that house he OD’d in from Mary Kate Olsen.

Today's Heart Health Tip: When the doctor performing C.P.R. on you is named Murray, and he's not a Jew— switch HMOs.

I still can't figure out which quack was the bigger criminal: The one injecting Michael with Demerol or the one injecting Debbie Rowe with sperm. Actually Michael had two doctors. He got his Demerol from Dr. Feel Good, and his roofies from Dr. Bad Touch.

Joe Jackson suspects morphine addiction after noticing Michael didn’t seem to cry that much when he smacked him around. Joe wants a second autopsy. Even in death Michael keeps going under the knife just to please daddy. Joe appeared at the BET Awards promoting his new record label, which is on Back And Blu Ray. Then Paramount counted all those plastic surgeries Joe forced on his kids and asked him to direct Transformers 3.

The kids are going to grandma. So maybe Joe can smack some talent into them.  As to be expected Debbie Rowe is worried about the children. You know Debbie if you really cared about those kids you never would have had them in the first place. If you recall Debbie once worked as a dental assistant. She got Michael's sperm by saying, "OK, now spit."
That's your week in impotence.

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Sometimes you get an email from an old friend that makes you spit up your coffee. This one is from my buddy Brian who I haven't seen in nearly ten years:

Yep, I'm marred.  Because there is no "I" in marrage Actually, I like it.  It's been a year as of April, and we're getting settled in... a process lengthened by the fact both our mothers live with us.  Hers is a bit demented, which brings treats like having the cops walk into our bedroom at 3:00 a.m. because she called reporting her daughter missing.  Luckily, my mom's still in pretty good shape.  I'll tell her you say hi, she always keeps an eye out for you... which is about all she's got left, the cataract surgery didn't go so well. How's by you?  Your kids must be big enough to physically harm you by now...
-- B"I"H

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Up Close & Personal's exclusive interview with LA County Coroner Dr. George Lezlee