March, 2005
WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER TERRY
SAY HELLO TO MY SISTER'S NEW BABY:
CLICK HERE TO SEE MY NEPHEW
<img alt="tinkywinky.gif" src="http://www.davidfeldmancomedy.com/archives/tinkywinky.gif" width="60" height="75" /><BR>FALWELL
"CNN reports that Rev. Jerry Falwell, the televangelist who helped spawn the modern Christian Conservative movement, is in critical condition."
--CNN
Especially critical of gays and abortionists.
Possible Epitaphs for Jerry Falwell:
Husband, Son, and Loving Fag Basher.
To Everything There Is A Season. A Time To Hate. And A Time To Hate.
To My Pallbearers: Bend With Your Knees.
I Point My Finger In Your Face And Say, "You. You Helped This Happen."
Hope You Worms Like The Taste Of Ignorant Rage.
He Layeth Here With No Man.
Not From AIDS.
He Died As He Lived. With A Sausage In His Mouth.
A Light On Earth. An Ember In Hell.
Forever In Our Craw.
Not A Big Fan Of This Hole Either.
Shed Not A Tear. But A Steak Would Be Nice.
Hillary Clinton Killed Jesus.
Usually I'm The One Throwing Dirt.
Shtik Fleish Mit Tzvei Eigen.
He Was Buried As He So Loved. Face Up.
Down In The Mud We're I've Always Wallowed.
Thanks For All Your Prayers. They Really Helped...No, Seriously. That's Why I'm here. Tards.
He's In A Better Place. That Being Anywhere Other Than Lynchburg, Virginia.
davidfeldman.org.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOLLYWOOD DOG? CLICK BELOW:
MY FRIEND TIM WHO YOU CAN HEAR ON "BOB AND TOM" WROTE THIS, AND I SUGGEST YOU READ IT:
TIM BEDORE
LEN'S OUT OF HIS COMA by Tom Delay
DR. BILL FRIST by Herman Tarnhower MD
LEN'S OUT OF HIS COMA by Tom Delay
<img alt="parker-bowles.gif" src="http://www.davidfeldmancomedy.com/archives/parker-bowles.gif" width="50" height="50" /><BR>TH
"Camilla Parker Bowles will automatically become queen if her husband ascends to the throne whether she wants the title or not, the British government said."
THE WEEK, April 1, 2005
Titles besides "Queen" currently under consideration for Camilla:
Her Travesty
Duchess of Schnauzer
The Queen Grandmother
Ambassador of Crease
Her Repugnance
Duchess of Dork
Lady Chow Chow
Her Roughness On The Eyes
DJ Gnarly
K 9
The Round Mound of Rebound
Camilla "Lights Out" Bowles
King Slut
davidfeldman.org
PROTESTS IN LEBANON TURN NASTY
AS SHI'ITE KICKERS DEMAND ROLE IN NEW GOVERNMENT
SEVERED FINGER FOUND IN WENDY'S BOWL OF CHILI--A.P.
davidfeldman.org
"March 24, 2005- A woman said she bit into a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's, leading authorities to a fingerprint database Thursday to determine who lost the digit."
Associated Press
TIME: Last Tuesday. Three in the morning.
PLACE: Wendy's. Santa Clara, California.
MARLA, a 350 lb. nurse getting off work approaches the counter. She glares at ARTHUR, the 350 lb. night manager trying to earn enough for his final series of transgender modification procedures.
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart" is heard. ARTHUR wears blue eyeliner and stares off soulfully while sniffing a wet mop.
MARLA: I just ate a finger!
ARTHUR: Mmm-sorry hon, your order will be right up.
MARLA: Someone else's. I bit into someone else's finger.
ARTHUR: Girl, you are hungry. I'll see what's the holdup.
MARLA: In my Chili. There's a finger in my Chili.
ARTHUR: Oh, you got your order. Now what's the problem?
MARLA: What is this doing in my Chili?
HEART: Turnaround
ARTHUR: Gimme a sec. I sooo love this part.
HEART: Turnaround.
ARTHUR: Bright eyes!
HEART: TURNAROUND!
ARTHUR: BRIGHT EYES!
HEART AND ARTHUR: Every now and then I get a
little bit lonely.
JUST ARTHUR (Taking a look at the chili): Between you and me that finger's the healthiest thing in there. It so needs to be tossed.
MARLA: I want the police.
ARTHUR: Mmmmm-uh huh. Lawsuit! Hello! Maybe you put it there.
MARLA(Extending all ten fingers): Questions?
ARTHUR (Counting his): Some people are born with like eleven. I saw it on Discovery.
MARLA: Give me your phone. Please. I'm feeling sick.
ARTHUR: You're a nurse. How do I know it didn't pop out of one of your folds?
MARLA: We need to find out who this finger belongs to.
ARTHUR: You're telling me? It's soo huge. You know what they say. Large severed finger, large...Wait, are you sure that's not a toe?
MARLA: Who's back in the kitchen? I need to know if he or she is sick.
ARTHUR: I'm the only one here. You're talking to "he or she."
MARLA: This person could be carrying something.
ARTHUR: He can't be carrying much, he just lost a finger...Oh you mean like Hepatitis C.
MARLA: Or worse.
ARTHUR: There's Hepatitis D?
MARLA: We need to shut down this restaurant.
ARTHUR: When-ever. What kind of nurse are you? Because I need some stitches removed.
MARLA: The phone. Right now. Hand it to me.
ARTHUR: I'll trade you my cell for your Emory board. That cuticle in your chili is driving me nuts!
MARLAshoots Arthur her middle finger and exits.
HEART AND ARTHUR: Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart.
ARTHUR stares off wistfully as a solitary tear falls on his wet mop. He sniffs the mop.
HELP SAVE TERI
CLICK ON THE SUPREME COURT PHOTO TO SAVE TERI
davidfeldman.org
LARRY HAS A KIDNEY STONE
BOYS AND GIRLS PLEASE CLICK ON LARRY'S FACE TO HELP HIM PASS HIS KIDNEY STONE
(By the way, this isn't toilet humor. Larry's in a Jacuzzi. It's Jacuzzi humor.)
SO SO FRIDAY
DAVIDFELDMAN.ORG
I'm originally from New York. I didn't know until moving to Los Angeles that in the Pacific time zone instead of Easter they celebrate "West-er."
MY FLIGHT TO OAKLAND YESTERDAY
Wanna see my flight? Click on the picture above to cue animation
ONCE AGAIN NOT ENOUGH BOOTS--OR HEELS ON THE GROUND
Click Rumsfeld's legs to cue his important message
RIGHT WING SEXUAL DEVIANT PAT O'BRIEN OUT OF REHAB
I know. It's childish. I can't stop.