February, 2005
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF JASON ALEXANDER: A.K.A. "NOTORIOUS B.T.K."
Photo Courtesy of "Seinfeld"
OH, YOU ARE SO NEXT ELAINE, YOU ARE SO NEXT.
THAT'S IT, I'M OFFICIALLY GAY
It took me three hours to make this, and now I find I'm only attracted to men. Could Bob Mackie ever dream up this? I think not.
FROM OUR "CHANGE YOUR STUPID NAME" DEPARTMENT
A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE JEWS...
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I wonder if she ended up calling Dr. Tums?
AND A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE CATHOLICS...
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Any relation to Martin Cheen?
ELTON JOHN UNPLUGGED
How dare he be more successful than I.
So, lacking any discernible talent your humble scorpion must sting.
GREAT NEWS!
This evening my wife actually said she wanted to have sex. Not with me. But hey, at least it's a start.
And I'd like to say something to the pre-op living next door to me. Barry: Cutting your penis off won't make you a woman. Because a woman would never cut her penis off. Know why? Women don't have the balls to do something like that. If you go ahead and have that operation it will just make you twice the man you already are.
DON'T BE SO MEAN!
No, we're not interested in any of your coffee mug shots.
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R.I.P. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
R.I.P. HUNTER S. THOMPSON
One of my journalistic heroes Hunter S. Thompson shot himself in the head yesterday. You know, that's the one mind blowing experience one never comes down from. Oh well. I guess the Superman curse continues. Somebody should check on the whereabouts of Courtney Love. Just a hunch.
HERE'S YOUR DAMN NEW YORKER COVER, OK?
OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!!!
THIS IS JUST HORRIBLE!!!
Wayne Scholtes from San Jose, currently recovering from a gastric penile bypass, sent me this.
SUPPORTING THE ARTS
There are so many charities that we must give to. But as a sentient being one must also serve as a patron of the arts. My father used to say, "Show me a wall with nothing on it, and I'll show you a firing squad that cleans up after itself."
I think of myself as a 16th century Medici and it's not only because I'm riddled with syphilis. Walking into my home is like stepping foot into the Louvre what with the stench of stale cigarettes, Chanel #5 and, of course, the counterfeit Monets.
KING OF POP NOW SPELLED WITH TWO "O'S"
Michael Jackson's out of the hospital. Bad case of the stomach flu. Must have been someone he ate. For two days they were feeding him intravenously. Finally, someone pumping fluids into Michael.
PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS...
THE UNKNOWN DRAFT DODGER
WASHINGTON DC- OK. So for the past twenty years my heart has bled for the Vietnam Vets. I do benefits. I donate to the charities. Because I care. I'm in DC. I go to the wall. My name isn't up there. Not so much as a mention. How much does one man have to give?
OK, maybe I didn't go through Nam. But I owned stock in Pan Am. That's never coming back.
This country does nothing to honor the draft dodger. Not so much as a plaque. I have post traumatic stress syndrome. Each time I hear a gun go off I think it's a car backfiring. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up in a cold sweat thinking I'm back in a Montreal disco snorting coke with Margaret Trudeau.
Maybe it's just a lot of "me think" but I feel slighted.