David Feldman is Impotent David Feldman: comedian, writer, raconteur and prizefighter.

At the Geffen Theatre Lab in Santa Monica, two Brentwood divorcees relive their failed marriages in a comedy about life, shopping and day spas called "I Love You Now Pay Me."

Organ grinder Todd Sorell and his monkey Peg Leg Lambaste are at the San Fernando Philharmonic. Portions of the proceeds go towards buying Peg Leg a new monocle.

At a benefit concert for the South Central School of the Performing Arts, Tuesday evening, cellist Yo-Yo-Ma performs the music of ABBA. Tickets for "Yo Mama Mia" are still available at the box office.

Starting Thursday in its newly refurbished Globe Theatre, the Irvine Shakespeare Festival presents "Plaza Suite" starring Vicki Lawrence as Mercutio.

My wife and kids adore our poodle. Me? I'd prefer Tony Blair.

Anya is white with tea stained highlights. Her mornings are spent in the yard digging for aberrant foods no creature in its right mind would eat. She pretends not to understand a single command in English. She is French.

Poodles are technically Prussian lap dogs. "Poodle" derives from the German word for "puddle," and Anya's left plenty of those around the house to prove it.

My wife says our Teutonic life partner is just "marking." Our couch is Poland. The rug Belgium and Anya's been eyeing my new massage chair like the Eastern Front. I can never fully relax on it for fear of short circuiting like Bruno Hauptmann.

Congratulations on purchasing the new Aroma Deluxe XL15 coffee maker, the world's leading automatic roasting, brewing and deep knead shiatsu machine on the market.

Soon you'll be sampling exotic blends like Yemen Mocha Meth, Jamaican Bobsled Crank, Ethiopian Nipple Clamp, and Barely Legal Sumatran Heat.

Please familiarize yourself with our 15 settings ranging from light fruity cinnamon to our deepest darkest roast "Turkish Prison Rape."

This machine has been assembled by six-year-old Guatemalans earning fifteen cents a month. We suggest using only fair trade, shade grown, free range organic beans so you don't so much burn in Hell as tan.