May, 2003
Happiness Is A Warm Pint
DUBLIN- Dublin is astonishing. You could spend a whole day here and still not see everything.
It is nine p.m. and the sun won't give up. We are walking down Eastmoreland Place. No kids, nothing but time. Gentle breezes reminiscent of Glade air fresheners from my youth come in off the Liffey. My wife and I are falling in love with me all over again.
Suddenly Paul McCartney reverberates off the damp cobblestones. I can't believe I journeyed this far to hear a car stereo blaring Paul McCartney instead of Bono, or, at the very least, Morton Downey Sr.
No matter. I'm happy. It's the people. I'm happy here because of the people. I just can't tell if it's the Irish people, or all those Americans I've finally gotten away from.
Note to wife: I'm having sex tonight. You're welcome to join me.
Kentucky Fried Chicken installed video equipment inside their slaughterhouses. The cameras will insure chickens are being butchered humanely and that nobody's getting paid a living wage.
Halle Berry was rushed to the hospital after shattering the bone connecting her elbow to her wrist. I know how Halle feels. I shattered the bone connecting the elbow to my wrist watching her in "Monster's Ball."
Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia said he would make Al Qaeda pay for the recent suicide bombings that killed 34 people. Abdullah said with oil prices falling the way they are he can no longer afford to foot the bill himself.
Donald Rumsfeld promised American troops would crack down on the rampant looting in Baghdad. But so far CEO's of Halliburton, The Carlyle Group and Bechtel are still at large.
Congratulations You May Have Already Won Ed McMahon's Mold!
"Book of Virtues" author Bill Bennett admitted to blowing eight million dollars in Vegas. Bennett says not from gambling, he's just a huge fan of "O."
Gearing up for the 2004 race, President Bush announced he has agreed once again to be Dick Cheney's running mate.
Clad in a military jumpsuit, George copiloted an S-3B Viking airplane on to an aircraft carrier. Unfortunately he was aiming for a landing strip 200 miles away.
The president said the experience reminded him of his days with the Texas Air National Guard. Exactly. He's brushing up on barrel rolls and real soldiers are 10,000 miles away dodging mortar fire.
The president spent the rest of the week strutting about the Oval Office in his Top Gun outfit writing checks to the Church of Scientology and telling Nicole Kidman she's never going to see the children again.
FROM SADDAM TO SODOMY
President Bush is about to declare the war officially over, and you can just feel a return to normalcy. Or maybe that's just my SARS talking.
Doctors say Fed Chair Alan Greenspan is back to normal after finally getting his enlarged prostate operated on. Apparently there's inflation even he can't control.
And it was business as usual for Republicans who turned their attentions from Saddam to Sodomy.
Rick Santorum, the third-highest ranking Senate Republican, announced he saw no difference between homosexuality and incest. Just to be on the safe side, his younger brother immediately took an unlisted phone number.
Santorum expressed concern that the Supreme Court might overturn a Texas law banning homosexuality. In Texas, homosexuality is defined as two men sitting on the same couch watching the Food Channel.
