SEVERED FINGER FOUND IN WENDY'S BOWL OF CHILI--A.P.
davidfeldman.org
"March 24, 2005- A woman said she bit into a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's, leading authorities to a fingerprint database Thursday to determine who lost the digit."
Associated Press
TIME: Last Tuesday. Three in the morning.
PLACE: Wendy's. Santa Clara, California.
MARLA, a 350 lb. nurse getting off work approaches the counter. She glares at ARTHUR, the 350 lb. night manager trying to earn enough for his final series of transgender modification procedures.
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart" is heard. ARTHUR wears blue eyeliner and stares off soulfully while sniffing a wet mop.
MARLA: I just ate a finger!
ARTHUR: Mmm-sorry hon, your order will be right up.
MARLA: Someone else's. I bit into someone else's finger.
ARTHUR: Girl, you are hungry. I'll see what's the holdup.
MARLA: In my Chili. There's a finger in my Chili.
ARTHUR: Oh, you got your order. Now what's the problem?
MARLA: What is this doing in my Chili?
HEART: Turnaround
ARTHUR: Gimme a sec. I sooo love this part.
HEART: Turnaround.
ARTHUR: Bright eyes!
HEART: TURNAROUND!
ARTHUR: BRIGHT EYES!
HEART AND ARTHUR: Every now and then I get a
little bit lonely.
JUST ARTHUR (Taking a look at the chili): Between you and me that finger's the healthiest thing in there. It so needs to be tossed.
MARLA: I want the police.
ARTHUR: Mmmmm-uh huh. Lawsuit! Hello! Maybe you put it there.
MARLA(Extending all ten fingers): Questions?
ARTHUR (Counting his): Some people are born with like eleven. I saw it on Discovery.
MARLA: Give me your phone. Please. I'm feeling sick.
ARTHUR: You're a nurse. How do I know it didn't pop out of one of your folds?
MARLA: We need to find out who this finger belongs to.
ARTHUR: You're telling me? It's soo huge. You know what they say. Large severed finger, large...Wait, are you sure that's not a toe?
MARLA: Who's back in the kitchen? I need to know if he or she is sick.
ARTHUR: I'm the only one here. You're talking to "he or she."
MARLA: This person could be carrying something.
ARTHUR: He can't be carrying much, he just lost a finger...Oh you mean like Hepatitis C.
MARLA: Or worse.
ARTHUR: There's Hepatitis D?
MARLA: We need to shut down this restaurant.
ARTHUR: When-ever. What kind of nurse are you? Because I need some stitches removed.
MARLA: The phone. Right now. Hand it to me.
ARTHUR: I'll trade you my cell for your Emory board. That cuticle in your chili is driving me nuts!
MARLAshoots Arthur her middle finger and exits.
HEART AND ARTHUR: Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there's only love in the dark. Nothing I can say. A total eclipse of the heart.
ARTHUR stares off wistfully as a solitary tear falls on his wet mop. He sniffs the mop.
