MORE DAVID FELDMAN FUN FACTS!
My greatest regret in life is that my mother and father are still around to enjoy my success.
Queen Latifah is not a queen. Although, Baby Doc Duvalier is a pediatrician.
I recently found a cool looking pair of eyeglasses on the floor of a bus station lavatory. But it wasn't my prescription. I got Lasik eye surgery to make it match. I can't figure out if that makes me cheap.
I save money on legal expenses by never walking up to women at the office and saying, "Hey, you could stand to drop 50 pounds, try this recipe."
I have it on good authority that the Grim Reaper's real name is The Grim Rabinowitz. He changed it for business.
My younger brother's face has very feminine features. When Sherwood smiles Sherwood looks exactly like a vagina.
My cat wouldn't stop going in our tub. So I got even. I took a bath in his box.
When I was a newborn baby my mother was catering an event for the Weather Underground. So my father panicked and tried to breast-feed me by making his nipple bleed.
During an office Christmas party the guys in human resources helped me Xerox our fax machine's ass.
Most mornings I have Grape Nuts. Grape Ovum are just too filling.
My wife likes to spoon in bed. I can't get the Beeyawtch to stop eating chowder.
I'm at that age when you enter a room and can't remember why you came in there. Same goes for intercourse with the maid.
I named my daughter "Tex." This way I can say, "Don't forget your coat, Tex." And, "Hey go outside and play, Tex." I know it's not much, but at this point in my life it's plenty.
New products: Tylenol P.M.S. for men who want to fall asleep while their wife is crying. Tylenol A.M. for people who like to fall asleep on the job. And Tylenol B.M. for people who like to fall asleep on the john.
