Penis Pump And Circumstance
Parents, take a proud look. When weapons of mass destruction lurked in Iraq, the class of 2003 answered its nation's call to duty by writing political science papers entitled "Monica Lewinsky: The Pentagon Years." They compared and contrasted "The Horse Whisperer" versus the first season of "Gunsmoke." Arranged Cher retrospectives at the film society. All the while making sure their chancroids cleared up in enough time for Spring Break. Yes, these truly are the leaders of tomorrow.
The Class of 2003 was born into a world with no Internet. Americans couldn't find a car that got less than 25 miles to the gallon. And daddy had no idea how much a dent his chooch's food issues would make in his plans for a summer cottage.
Are we better or worse off than we were 22 years ago? I'd say worse off, because I am older. Then again I can take apart and reassemble a penis pump in fifteen seconds blindfolded.
What will your world be like 22 years from now? Well, one thing's for certain: Many of us will look back on our sunny day and wonder if this was the seminal burn that gave us skin cancer. Dear Lord! It feels like someone's frying turkey bacon on my forehead!
Graduates, when college began, you figured you'd be taking your Internet start-ups public and planning for retirement by now. Instead you face the worst job market in 20 years. Screw you.
In a culture falling prey to the tyranny of youth I wish you all nothing but the worst. Soon you will enthusiastically work longer hours than people my age can, and for less pay. Your entire culture is one big infomercial. And you've never paid for hair. I despise the essence of your being.
Sure, the economy is bad. Many of you are considering postponing the private sector to do volunteer work. But volunteer work is something you do to get into college. Not something after.
Graduates, embrace resilience. Most of you will have five different careers over the course of your lives. Unless you become single moms in which case you'll have five different careers all at once.
So take a bite out of the world! In America there is no limit to what you can achieve so long as you have parents willing to bankroll your dreams.
Which is why I caution you never to delude yourselves into believing you're self-made individuals who achieved everything through sacrifice and hard work. All successful people are the beneficiaries of luck and help. Except our president. He's a genius.
If anyone wants to talk, I'll be freebasing Paxil while leaning against that white rental parked in the handicapped space.
Good luck. I hate you.
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David Feldman is one of our nation's chief proponents of lower education.
