COFFEE ANON, AND ANON
Darker roasts often emit a thick heavy dark smoke when oils within the bean are released. So before pressing the "brew" button make sure all family dental records have been updated.
Beans lose 90 percent of their flavor within 12 seconds of roasting. That's why new customers are often surprised that a truly fresh cup of coffee tastes like an electrocuted sardine passed through a sick cat.
If you have any questions feel free to call our 24 hour customer care hotline anytime between the hours of 9 a.m. and 9 a.m. Sri Lankan Time. To better insure a speedier resolution to your problem speak Farsi. Baroush is standing by.
Make sure to ask Baroush about his grandfather Baroush Senior who, one flu season, coughed so hard he realigned the suspension on his sister's tank.
Here are answers to frequently asked questions:
From the back it looks great, but the netting just doesn't blend in with the hairline up front. I'd shave it.
Sip coffee slowly, do not chug.
Tilt cup towards face, not away from face.
Drink coffee only through opening commonly referred to as "mouth."
Do not wash stainless steal bean coolant tray with human blood infected by hepatitis C.
When preparing coffee do not replace water with kerosene, diesel fuel or male elephant spray.
Do not brew "tribute blends" made from the ashes of loved ones or deceased pets.
Do not place roasted beans in B-B Gun and shoot into baby's eye.
Don't waste. Coffee is expensive. If you're not going to drink a whole pot don't make a whole pot. Children in China are sleepy.
Do not drop from highway overpasses on to passing convertibles.
Don't clip toenails on crowded bus.
Are you even aware that you hum and chew at the same time?
Stop saying "back in the day." "Back in the day" was cool "Back in the day." At the end of the day when you use "Back in the day" you sound about as hip as Doris Day.
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David Feldman's favorite singer is Morris Day and his favorite Supreme Court Justice is Sandra Day...O' never mind.
