THROWING MY TOUPEE INTO THE RING
I promise to introduce legislation outlawing cockfighting. Yes it already is outlawed, but occasionally some of us need to be reminded. Too often have I forgotten until it's too late and the bachelor party has been ruined.
To ease overcrowded jails I will legalize marijuana and manslaughter. I will appoint a commission looking into the growing problem of date rape in prison.
I will eliminate the state's death tax and introduce a birth tax. You're welcome to come here, but it'll cost ya.
Some have suggested we pay down our $38 billion debt by eliminating Kindergarten. But I loved Kindergarten. I say eliminate seventh grade. That was the awkward year for me.
By eliminating seventh grade everyone gets to feel smarter by skipping a grade. Sure there are probably things taught in seventh grade that are important like algebra and Colonial history. But as my father always said, "A lot of knowledge is a dangerous thing."
Unwanted pregnancies can be reduced dramatically by insisting that all high school sex education classes include a four-part demonstration of laparoscopic intercourse.
Our children deserve clean affordable air. That's why I plan to buy a place in Montana.
To those who say electric vehicles are decades away I have two words: wheelchairs. Or maybe those is one word. The point is we already have the technology. So push.
I promise to look into new forms of energy like wind powered oil and homes that are heated by clean burning renewable panic attacks.
I support term limits, especially for voters. If your driving abilities are suspect then you shouldn't be trusted with the keys to our state's future.
To stem the tide of rising health care costs for seniors, anyone over the age of sixty will be rounded up and placed in an internment camp until this budget crisis is behind us.
Opponents will bring up my recent arrest. David Ignatius Feldman was a victim of profiling. White man on PCP with a pretty white woman in the passenger seat can't drive a stolen Lexus down the wrong side of the highway without some white male cop pulling him over.
That is why, if elected, Highway 5 will be for people who are sober. Highway 101 for those of us who prefer the weave.
My first order of business will be shutting down Orange County's John Wayne Airport. If Orange County is to preserve its status as America's preeminent gated community nobody should be permitted to leave or enter.
In the service of thrift I will then take all those John Wayne signs and attach them to several popular transgender truck stops along the Mexican border.
To keep manufacturing jobs in California I will open the floodgates of illegal immigration. The more foreigners here; the less over there taking away our jobs.
To stimulate California's struggling defense industry I will declare war on Seattle. Only unadulterated evil comes from Seattle. Microsoft? Starbucks? Seattle. You know why all those little mom and pop bomb makers are slowly going out of business? Boeing, from Seattle.
California's financial hardship calls for a man who understands wealth. I'm filthy rich. By filthy I mean I only shower six times a day. Eight when I've had impure thoughts about my mother's best friend Lena.
So in the tradition of John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, and Henry Morgenthau, I will be a "dollar a year man." I only ask to be paid one dollar from every man in California.
As sole heir to the Hossenpheffer Incorporated fortune I will set the patrician standard for fiscal propriety passed on to me by my great grandfather Schlameil and his partner Uncle Schlamazzle. Californians can do it our way, yes our way to make all, not some, but all of our dreams come true. For me and you.
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David Feldman has served in two wars on both sides.
